Struggle for Independence

Last 5 months my back is playing tantrums. X - ray revealed that the space between last two discs has reduced and in addition there is a growth of some bone like structure. Orthopedic doctor and Yoga expert agreed that it was due to some accident (or fall) in the past – distant past or recent past they were not clear. Orthopedic doctor declared that progressively it would limit some movement. Some degree of freedom (DOF), in structural mechanics language, has been constrained.  A talkative junior doctor eager to share his knowledge described with gusto the ‘If - Then - future ‘scenario. Exercise is a must. If it does not help, try deep tissue massaging and then ultimately fusing the last disc with its neighbor. He was pleased with himself after imparting me this knowledge. This authoritative pronouncement made me imagine the process of fusing, welding, sparks flying, red hot surfaces and even faults in welding such as porosity, cracking, penetration….  One of the doctors who saw this X ray exclaimed, ‘See how beautiful it is! It is nature’s way to limit damage ‘. Perhaps she said that out of sheer professional ecstasy or more probably to encourage me.  But I wondered,  

“I must have done something bad in my youth or childhood “

It is morning. Long back sage Vishwamitra woke up Rama saying:

kausalya supraja Rama purva sandhya pravarthathe
Uththishta narasardhula karthavyam daivamahnikam

,

Oh Rama, the great son of Kausalya, Twilight is approaching in the East.
Wake up, oh courageous man, its time to perform the daily divine rituals.

I do not have such onerous  or divine duties to perform but nevertheless have to wake up. Spirit is willing but flesh is not. Now a days  my morning starts with a heavy heart – nay – with a heavy leg. Some days I cannot put it down on to the ground – I mean the leg. Pull, pull is what is happening. Simple gravity. Universality at work - whether it is aluminum strut getting pulled apart or my leg.

I recall Dylan Thomas who in an entirely different context (with due apologies) said,

“The force that through the green fuse drives the flower

Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees

Is my destroyer.”

Sometimes it requires more than ordinary will power to get up and move around, dragging the reluctant and protesting leg. After some exercises and / or walking on tread mill for 15 – 20 minutes there is light at the end of the tunnel. Pain has reduced substantially. Suddenly the day appears much brighter, livelier and pleasant. A delightful coffee is ready. I mildly complain to Usha (it is a daily one and so one can do it in small doses only) about the state of affairs and feel relieved and even feel a little like a martyr. The intense pain is already a memory. Happiness is in the air! When did I say I had any problem?

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

I agree joyfully.

Day ends and night begins. My right leg makes it known that it cannot be forgotten so easily. It reappears with a smug.

ಹೋದ್ಯ ಕಿಂಡಿಲಿ ಅಂದರೆ ಬಂದ್ಯ ಗವಾಕ್ಷಿಲಿ ಅಂದ ಹಾಗೆ

Some hot water bag treatment helps.  Bless the soul who invented it. It is also the all-time favourite of Usha. She has unceasingly advocated it (but not heeded till now).

 ‘In my beginning is my end ‘.

So it repeats in the morning. While it rules I am sometimes (only?) irritable and cranky but Usha has to (and does) absorb it.

Between the two ends – morning and night – life is still beautiful.

While in pain I recall Yeats with great approval

What shall I do with this absurdity—

O heart, O troubled heart—this caricature,

Decrepit age that has been tied to me

As to a dog’s tail?

You feel like saying – praying –  like Drona prayed to Lord Narayana in Mahabharata -

vinAdainyena jIvanaM

anAyAsena maraNaM

विनादैन्येन जीवनं

अनायासेन मरणं

(Grant me:  life which is not abject, pitiable; Death which is easy and peaceful)

But I cannot pray as do not know to whom I should address it! In any case He (assuming exists) will have better things to do.

But I can hope; I can wish; 

If wishes were horses 

there would be no pain, 

Also 

If wishes were horses, 

The moon would be blue 

But...alas..

But wishes aren't horses, 

they rarely come true .